O/T -a joke.

[Fig sign]

In last days I see some guys write agressive articles attacking one another and nerves are high.

That`s why I propose to write jokes to ease nerves and so.

This is an old Russian joke about good manners.

So in one school they suddenly found that young children started to use VERY bad language using SUCH words...

So teachers looked for the cause and recalled that a week before two painters coated outside walls of the building with paint.

So they came two them to check may be them are the matter.

And the older painter said:

"Look ,folks,we are the most polite and good mannered painters in the world.

I will show you an example.Last week we worked at your school,I was painting the ground floor walls

and my friend Vasya was painting on the up.

Suddenly he dropped his paint right on my head.

And guess what I said to him?

Hey , man, you are not right !"

 

[ 02-10-2003, 06:16 AM: Message edited by: plasttav ]

[Guest CNC Apps Guy 1]

[Elad]

I will tell you a very nice story i heard :

 

There was a man that everyday,kisses his wife,takes is fishhook and goes fishing.

after a long day in the sea he comes back home and his wife makes the fishes for the family for dinner.

And this are their lives.every day the same routine.

 

One day,while sitting on the quay and fishing like every day, a black mercedes stops nearby and a guy open the window and start talking to the fisherman : "hey you,what are you doing here??"

and the fisherman answers : "just fishing"

and the guy : "what for??"

and the fisherman tells this guy all the story about fishing everyday for dinner.

and then this guy tells him : "what's wrong with you fisherman,you should eat less and sell some of you fishes"

the fisherman answers : "and then what??"

the guy : "then you'll have some money and you'll be able to buy a better fishhook and catch more fishes".

the fisherman said : "and then what??"

the guy : "and then you'll have more fishes to sell and you'll have more money"

the fisherman : "and then what??"

the guy : "and then you'll buy a little boat and catch a lot of fishes and you'll have more money"

the fisherman : "and then what??"

the guy : "and then you'll work hard,and you'll have workers that will work for you and you'll buy a bigger ships"

The fisherman : "and then what??"

the guy : "and then you will have businesses all over the world and you'll become a millionaire like me and you will have fishing companies all over the world"

The fisherman : "and then what??"

The guy : "and then you will have no worries,and you will wake up every morning with no worries at all,and you will take a little fishhook and you will go to the seA with a smile to fish".

And the fisherman said : AND WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING NOW??"

 

 

[ 02-10-2003, 06:25 AM: Message edited by: elad ]

[PBpaul]

Well, since everybody in this forum is a little bit crazy, I figured I couldn't offend anyone with this old one:

 

A guy is driving along and suddenly has a flat tire right next to an insane asylum. He has a spare and a jack and everything is cool. He takes off the bad tire, carefully putting all the lugs in the hubcap for safekeeping. While he's getting out the spare, however, a car cuts by too close and hits the hubcap, sending all the lugs flying out into the deep grass. He just stands there wondering what in the world he's gonna do now and one of the patients that's been standing up against the fence watching all this says "Why don't you just take one lug off of each of the other three wheels and use them to hold the the spare. Then you can just drive to a parts place and get more lugs."

The driver says, "Wow, I'm impressed....that really is a good idea, especially coming from...well a person in an insane asylum."

The patient says "You know, they put us in here because we're crazy, not because we're stupid."

[Fig sign]

PBpaul !

 

LOL!

[David S]

Here is something I got from my e-mail long time ago . It is still pretty funny now:

 

QUOTES:

Question: If you could live forever, would you and

why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we

should not live forever, because if we were

supposed to live forever, then we would live

forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why

I would not live forever."

-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

(Janet, undoubtly a blonde)

 

 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of

the lowest crime rates in the country."

-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other

part of my body."

-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky

basketball forward

 

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving

kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I

mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with

all those flies and death and stuff."

-Mariah Carey, pop singer

 

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing

through our papers. We are the president."

-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of

subpoenaed documents

 

"The police are not here to create disorder.

They're here to preserve disorder."

-Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous

1968 Democratic Party convention

 

"China is a big country, inhabited by many

Chinese."

-Former French President Charles de Gaulle

 

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail

to comply with the law."

-David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering

accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

 

"The Internet is a great way to get on the Net."

-Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

 

"Things are more like they are now than they ever

were before."

-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

 

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come

from overseas."

-Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel

Enderbery

 

"We're going to turn this team around 360

degrees."

-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas

Mavericks

 

"Let's do a 360 and get the hell outta here!!!"

-Unknown Excited F8 pilot in VietNam.

 

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate

produces some of the same reactions in the brain

as marijuana.... The researchers also

discovered,other similarities between the two, but

can't remember what they are."

-Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

 

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."

-Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city

parking spaces

 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

-Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

 

"They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the

clips on, but they take them off."

-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the

company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an

ordinary pair of pliers

 

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of

Chicago."

-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

 

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and

the only regret I have was that I didn't study

Latin harder in school so I could converse with

those people."

-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the

environment. It's the impurities in our air and

water that are doing it."

-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

 

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only

the people who make them unsafe."

-Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of

Philadelphia

 

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a

very important part of your life."

-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become

spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

 

The president has kept all of the promises he

intended to keep.

-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on

"Larry King Live"

 

"After finding no qualified candidates for the

position of principal, the school board is

extremely pleased to announce the appointment of

David Steele to the post."

-Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools,

Barrington, Rhode Island

 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to

death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do

it."

-A congressional candidate in Texas

 

[Elad]

It reminds me that one of the most famous football players in Israel said one :

"I don't know what was wrong today,but i promiss i will change in 360 degrees"

 

[ 02-10-2003, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: elad ]

[Bullines]

quote:

---

QUOTES:

Question: If you could live forever, would you and

why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we

should not live forever, because if we were

supposed to live forever, then we would live

forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why

I would not live forever."

-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

(Janet, undoubtly a blonde)

---

This one reminds me of a similar quote:

 

"A proof is proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof and when when you have a good proof it's proven?"

 

- Prime Minister Jean Chretien, Sept 5, 2002 (His remarks after reporters asked what kind of 'proof' Canada wanted to see before backing a U.S. attack against Iraq.)

[TimHollis]

2 Brothers ( I swear )

 

TWO BROTHERS aged four and seven were in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven-year-old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The four-year-old nodded his head in agreement. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?" The four-year-old agreed and they went down to the kitchen. Their mother walked in and asked the seven-year-old what he wanted for breakfast. "Oh, **** , Mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." WHACK! She caught him around the ear with a mighty blow and he flew out of his chair and across the kitchen floor. She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know, " he blubbered, "but it won't be ******* Coco Pops."

 

Forgive me father

 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, Danny boy? "Yes, Father, it is."

"Who was it?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Danny, I'm sure to find out sooner or later. Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Danny, I and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You shall recite twenty Hail Mary's. Be off with you now."

Danny walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four good leads," says Danny!

[Philcott]

Elad,

I hope this is not offencive to you. I will remove it if it is.

 

quote:

---

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-such as the Enron or WorldCom guys.

 

Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books,his taxes pretty

straight forward,the Rabbi was clearly very frugal , so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

 

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi.

 

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and

then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his

obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

 

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

 

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

 

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

 

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."

 

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

 

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the I.R.S." ...and about once a year, they send us a little xxxx, just like you."

---

This was sent to me this am.

 

Phil

[Toolfab]

A son asks his father what the difference is between hypothetical, and realtiy. The father says go ask your mother if she would sleep with the mail man for a million dollars, then ask your sister the same about her science partner.

 

So he does as instructed and asks them. He tells his father they both said YES.

 

The father anwnsers"Hypotheticaly we are very rich, but in reality we live with a coulple of xxxxes"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Got this out of this months FHM magazine

[Slixmix]

George Carlin Strikes Again

 

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those

little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:

NAIVE

 

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a

peeing section in a swimming pool?

 

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and

the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that

make the Tennessee Titans ?

 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that

one enjoys it?

 

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from

Holland called Holes?

 

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put

your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just

stale bread to begin with?

 

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a

person who drives a race car not called a racist?

 

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

 

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

 

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

 

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English

language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it

follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,

cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry

cleaners depressed?

 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

 

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald

men?

 

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what

exactly are the others here for?

 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is

winning.

 

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't

zigzag?

 

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[Elad]

Philcott,

 

don't worry,we're here to laugh about everyone and everything.....

[TheePres]

Would this one do???

 

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

 

>1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

>2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

>3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

>4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

>5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

>6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

>7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

>8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..."

>9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

>10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

>11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

>12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

>13."Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact,up there?"

>14. "I bet you have seen just about every ******* in town."

[Scott Bond]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.

Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt.As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and

unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.And for a second time she attempted the step and once again,much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him

''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! ''

At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was

friends.''

 

[ 02-10-2003, 08:06 PM: Message edited by: Scott Bond ]

[resjun]

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub

> together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as

> they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each

> of their pints.

>

> The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American

fished

>

> the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if

> nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and

> started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT

> YOU xxxx!!!"

[Kenneth Potter]

those jokes are funny

 

heres one

 

 

: A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. Den I come. Two xxxx, they come together. I come again. Two xxxx, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.

[Fig sign]

One day Russian policeman came to work completly nude. And all the fellow policemen started to ask him :

What the @#$$ ? Why do you came nude?

And he said :

This night I went to night club.

It was great ,music,everybody dancing .

Suddenly the lights disappear and soft voice sais:

Now the girls take of their clothes.

After two minutes they put the light on and really all the girls naked!!!

Man ,that was cool.

So everybody dancing ,having fun.

After half an hour once more the light disappears and soft voice sais:

And now all men take of their clothes.

When they turned the light on all the guys were naked!

The fun goes on ,everybody dancing and once more the voice sais:

And now men start to do their work !

-his fellow policemen :

Well?

-So I am here!

[cheong]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he was very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his xxxx covered with bright green and

purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results.

 

The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said : "I*ve got bad news for you. You*ve contracted Mongolian VD. It*s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

 

The man looked a little perplexed and said : "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answered: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your xxxx".

The man screamed in horror,Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replied : "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he*ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his xxxx and proclaims : "Ah,yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor : "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my xxxx?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs :"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

 

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "you no worry! Wait two weeks; xxxx fall off by itself! You save money man..."

[Elad]

A cruel one :

 

A man went to the hospital to see his new boy that just born.

Just before he went to the room,the doctor stoped him : "I'm sorry to tell you we have a little problem".

the man ased : "what is the problem?"

doc : "your child born without hands"

man : "never mind,he is my son i will love him anyway"

doc : "but he has no legs too"

man : "never mind,he is my son i will love hime anyway"

doc : "but he has no body too"

man : "oh,ok never mind,he is still my son and i will love him anyway"

doc : "but he has no head too"

man : "what can i do,he is still my son and i will love him anyway"

doc : "ok,you can go see him now".

 

Then man went to room and saw on thge table a big ear : "my son even you are only a ear i love you"

and the doc said : "oh,forgot to tell you.....he was born deaf."

 

Hope it's not too cruel.....

[EZ3PUTT]

Little Johnny goes to his mom one day and asks "Mom, where do babies come from". Being 10 years old she thinks it's time he knew the real answer. So she drops her pants and points and says babies come from right here. Johnny doesn't say a word and leaves the room. The next day at school Johnny is skipping across the schoolyard and keeps repeating "I'm a lucky boy, yes I'm a lucky boy". One of Johnny's friends stops him and asks "Why are you so lucky Johnny" and Johnny replied "2 more inches and I would have been a turd"

[David S]

What is turd?

[Fig sign]

turd (tצrd) n. Vulgar

1. a piece of excrement.

[bef. 1000; ME; OE tord]

[TheePres]

to funny that explanation came from halfway around the world. LOL

[Guest]

A foresome had just come to the 9th hole. Just as the first was about to tee off a naked woman went running by as fast as she should go.

She no more than went by and about a dozen guys in white coats went by after her.

They disapeared and the guys continued their game while giving some thought and a few comments about what they had just witnessed.

Just as the fourth was about to tee off another guy wearing a white coat came up to the tee. He was huffing and puffing and carrying two buckets of sand.

This really aroused the curiosity of the foresome and one of the guys inquired as to what was going on.

The guy explained between huffing and puffing that the woman had escaped from a nearby assylum and the guys in the white coats were orderlys trying to catch her and take her back.

The golfer said they could understand that, but why in the world was he carrying the buckets of sand.

The guy answered, as he was again picking up the buckets and starting off. These are my handicap, I caught her last week.

 

[ 02-24-2003, 06:33 PM: Message edited by: Tom Smith ]