O/T -a joke.

[heeler]

ROFLMAO

 

That was great Ripper3785

 

Glenn

[Toolfab]

So YOUR the one thats been callin' me....you a$$hole.........lmfao

 

That one was great!!!!!

[Fig sign]

Ripper3785 !

 

Nice story .

LOL & ROFLMAO .

 

One old Russian joke .

 

A Red Army legendary commander talks with his adjutant :

-What about that White Army officer ,caught today ?

He started to talk?

-He keeps silence ,the white xxxx !

-And what about tortures ?

-We are torturing him all day long!

-You put needles under his nails ?

-Yes

-Tortured with fire ?

Broke his ribs ?

-Yes .

- And what about my socks .You gave him to sniff them ?

We are not the sadists !

 

[ 09-18-2003, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: plasttav ]

[Müřlıń®]

quote:

---

We are not the sadists

---

Yup, have to draw the line somewhere heh

 

 

Murlin

[Hardmill]

CNN NEWS FLASH "Mexican Earthquake"

 

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

 

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexicans army control the riots.

The European community is sending food and water.

The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

 

PEACE

[A-ron1286490684]

-Angus McFinney sat one his porch one afternoon talking with his grandson.

He says to his grandson, "Oh these hands, these hands have built many houses in the city of Dublin but do they call me McFinney the carpenter?" "Nooooo!"

"These hands have built many brick walls in the city of Dublin but do they call me McFinney the mason?" "Noooo!"

"These hands, these hands have helped build many ships there in the harbor but do they call me McFinney the shipbuilder?" "NOOOO!

But f%#$ just one goat...

 

-This old gal named Agnes in the local retirement home spent her evenings with this old guy named Joe right down the hall.

Agnes would roll her wheelchair into Joe's room where they would sit and Agnes would hold his member all evening.

One day Agnes rolls into Joe's room and there sits another old gal.

Agnes asks Joe, "What does she have that I don't have Joe?"

Joe replies, "Parkinsons!"

 

-Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

 

 

-What did Spock find in the bathroom on the Enterprise?

Captain's log.

 

 

-Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San Francisco?

'Cause their testicles would hang out.

 

-These two bums are walking down an alley when the one sees this dog licking himself and says, "Boy I sure wish I could do that."

The other bum says, "You might want to pet him first."

 

-This eskimo has an old snowmobile that is smoking quite a bit.

He decides to take it in and get it serviced.

He pulls up to the garage and the mechanic comes out looking at all the smoke and asks, "Did you blow a seal?"

And the Eskimo wipes off his mouth and says, "No thats just ice cream."

 

[ 09-18-2003, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: A-ron ]

[BernieT]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

 

You guys are great!!!! Ripper that is classic!!

 

[SledGeek]

You guys are a friggin' riot!!!

Hope this doesn't offend anyone...... Kathy.

 

A man takes 2 apples to his local patend office and tells the clerck he wants to patend them.

 

The clerk say "you can't patend regular ole' apples , sir"

 

The man says," these aren't just ordinary apples, try one . "

So the clerck takes a bite and says it's very good but tastes like an apple.

So the man says to him "flip it over".

 

The clerck flips it over, takes a bite,and says "wow, that tastes like an orange , what's the other apple taste like ?"

 

The man leans over his desk and whispers, "now, this apple is very special...it tastes like p@#sy."

The clerck takes a great big bite starts gagging and spits it out exclaiming, "this taste like sh!t!"

 

The man looks at him and says "flip it over. "

[SledGeek]

clerk....c...l...e..r..k...clerk

[Scott Bond]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

 

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,

she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

 

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?

[heeler]

That's not funny, Scott, Making fun of my mom like that. It was supposed to be a family secret.

 

Besides that my head hurts from falling over backwards. Need to order SOFTER matt for behind chair.

 

 

Thanks for the sore head and tears

 

Glenn Terry

[Müřlıń®]

A guy walks in from work one day, and finds his wife in the bedroom packing up her clothes.

"Where do you think you're going?", the man says.

"I'm leaving you", the wife replied. "I just found out that I can go to Las Vegas and get paid $500 a night for sex."

Upon hearing this, the man starts packing his own clothes.

"What in the world are you doing?" the wife asks.

"I'm going with you", the husband answers. "I'd like to see how you're going to live on $500 a month!"

 

Murlin

 

[ 09-19-2003, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: Murlin ]

[Philcott]

Anyone like tongue twisters?

Say this outloud three times.

 

I'm not a fig pluckers daughter,

Nor a fig pluckers son,

But I'll pluck those figs,

Till the fig pluckings done

 

Have a good weekend,

 

Phil

[Philcott]

Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

 

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians, British or Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians, British or Americans.

3. Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians, British or Americans.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians, British or Americans .

5. Russians drink a lot of vodka and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians, British or Americans.

6. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians, British or Americans.

 

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[jrykrl]

OK, Two friends meet in a bar. One guy says "Hey, how was your weekend?"

"Great, I was washing the boat, and a beatiful blonde came by. We went out in the water, about 1/4 mile from shore, and I shut off the motor and said "Screw or Swim", And she couldn't swim!!"

The next week, same thing

"Washing the boat, and a Brunette came by, we went out in the boat about 1/2 mile from shore and I said "Screw or Swim" and she says "I cant swim!!"

The next week, the two friends meet up, and the boat owner is really upset.

"What happened man"

"Well, I was washing the boat and a beautiful redhead came by. We went out in the boat about a mile offshore. I shut off the motor, and said "screw or swim". She takes off her skirt and she's a DUDE!!!"

"What did you do?"

 

 

"I CAN'T SWIM MAN!!! I CAN'T SWIM"

Jer

[Fig sign]

About chidren`s perseption:

A lesson in school .

A first -term boy asks the teacher :

What is a difference between mishap and a tragedy.

The teacher says:

If a donkey will fall to the river and drown ,that will be mishap,but this is not a real tragedy.

If the plane with our goverment will crash that will be a tragedy !

At home :

Daddy ,I learned something new at school today .

What`s a difference between mishap and tragedy ?

Mishap that`s if the plane with our goverment will crash ,but that`s not a real tragedy!

The real tragedy is if a donkey will fall to the river ...

[Katie Wakeford from Barefoot CNC]

Here's a good one:

 

A 7 year old boy was playing with his train set in the living room. His mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen listening to him play. When the train came to the trainstop the little boy shouted:"All you MF's getting off, leave, all you MF's getting on hurry up and sit your a$$ down."

 

The mother shocked by what her son had just said pulled him into the kitchen and said:"I can't believe you would say such things. Go to your room, and you can come out once you learn to be a polite boy again!" The boy stomps back to his room. An hour later, he comes out and asks him mom if it's okay to play with his train again. The mother said yes. She then heard him in the living room: "All passengers leaving we hope you enjoyed your ride, please come again. Welcome to the boarding passengers, we hope you will enjoy your ride. If you are upset at the delayed departure, blame the B**** in the kitchen."

[Fig sign]

An old Russian joke :

How they do it in USA and Russia .

If the wife unfaithful ,what a husband does to catch her.

American hires a private detective ,who makes shots,videos and so on .

In Russia drunk husband desperatly knocks the door of his neighbores.

when the woman opens the door he shouts :

You bi#$% !

I am ?!? That`s your wife .She does this with this ,this and this man !

 

Iskander teh loony

[Toolfab]

I got a hilarious .wmv file. Its a clip from the Man Show. That should atleast let you know the content is alittle off color.

 

Its on Jay's FTP in the Unspecified up_loads folder titled Boy-GetaDate.wmv

 

Check it out...lmao

 

[Scott Bond]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi, I hate drawing welfare, I'd really rather

have a job".The man behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

 

The guy says, "You're bull***ting me".

 

The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it!".

[d00d]

Superman was flying around NewYork patroling when he happened upon and open window in a skyscraper. Upon closer investigation he sees Wonder Woman laying on a bed , nude , writhing around, obviously having an erotic dream! SuperMan thinks to himself, "boy I'd like to have sex with WonderWoman" but thinks well I dont know her all that well so it probably will never happen. Then an idea hits him instantly! Knowing he has all these powers he decides he will fly in at the speed of light, have sex with her, fly out and she'll never know what hit her! So he flys in at the speed of light does what he planned and is gone at the the speed of light. Mean while Wonder Woman , startled , opens her eyes and says out loud, "what the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off off her and says " I dont know, but it nearly tore my rearend to pieces!"

[Toolfab]

This is great, specially for the 4th. Try to balance the drunk guy with the mouse, I made it 30 meters and that was about it.

 

 

Drunk guy

 

[Thad]

Paul,

 

Can you give a better description of "Try to balance the drunk guy with the mouse" for us who aren't fluent in German.

 

Thad

[G Caputo]

Toolfab,

Pretty funny. You have to think like a drunk and be a drunk and he's pretty easy. If you walk him far enough, he stops in the next bar and gets a drink and a date

[Harryman]

How far to the bar? I'm only getting about 78 meters.