O/T New Company Policies

[kccadcam]

NEW COMPANY POLICIES:

 

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If

you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee, you will

need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We

hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of

employment.

 

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for

dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to

have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where

employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in

the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your

lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of

the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

 

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two

weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

 

REST ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future,

we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For

instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,

employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so

on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait

until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies

employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'

supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there

is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three

minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,

and the stall door will open.

 

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees

better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount

Gross pay $1,222.02

Income tax 244.40

Outgo tax 45.21

State tax 11.61

Interstate tax 61.10

County tax 6.11

City tax 12.22

Rural tax 4.44

Back tax 1.11

Front tax 1.16

Side tax 1.61

Up tax 2.22

Down tax 1.11

Tic-Tacs 1.98

Thumbtacks 3.93

Carpet tacks 0.98

Stadium tax 0.69

Flat tax 8.32

Surtax 3.46

Corporate tax 2.60

Parking fee 5.00

FICA 81.88

TGIF Fund 9.95

Life insurance 5.85

Health insurance 16.23

Dental insurance 4.50

Mental insurance 4.33

Reassurance 0.11

Disability 2.50

Ability 0.25

Liability 3.41

Unreliability 10.99

Coffee 6.85

Coffee Cups 66.51

Floor rental 16.85

Chair rental 0.32

Desk rental 4.32

Union dues 5.85

Union don'ts 3.77

Cash advance 0.69

Cash retreats 121.35

Overtime 1.26

Undertime 54.83

Eastern time 9.00

Central time 8.00

Mountain time 7.00

Pacific time 6.00

Time Out 12.21

Oxygen 10.02

Water 16.54

Heat 51.42

Cool air 26.83

Hot air 20.00

Miscellaneous 113.29

Sundry 12.09

Various 8.01

Net Take Home Pay $0.02

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a

positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,

complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,

allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input

should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week!

[kccadcam]

Sorry, can't resist.

Here's another:

 

Dr. Seuss Technical Manual:

 

IF a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is

interrupted as a very last resort,

And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the

socket packet pocket has an error to report!

 

IF your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your

data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

 

You can't say this?

What a shame sir!

We'll find you,

Another game sir.

 

IF the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network

is connected to the button on you mouse, But your packets want to

tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer

down the hall!

 

IF your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your

icons in the window are as wavey as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as

I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

 

IF the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the

microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,

Then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your MOM!

[Thad]

quote:

---

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees

better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount

Gross pay $1,222.02

Income tax 244.40

...snipped

---

I never saw the Paycheck Guide part of that before. That was beautiful.

 

Thad

[Guest CNC Apps Guy 1]

ROFL!!!!!!!

[Dan_AKA_ROY]

Hello, Kevin.

 

Could you please itemize your 'miscellaneous' expenses totaling $113.29?

[Dan_AKA_ROY]

One more thing,

 

What's your company's new policy regarding break times? Will this new enforcement, as I'm guessing there is, crack down on coffee breaks?

[Jack Mitchell]

The coffee cup thing needs some consideration.

Ten times the coffee cost is a little bit high.

 

Regards, Jack

[Scott Bond]

At my work the coffee is only a nickle and you can have all you want,, but then the rest room use is 12 bucks.

[mold100]

I work for free, my .02 goes to the white collar fund.

 

Im sorry guys we cant give out raises this year, and were cutting back no more floating vacation,

health costs are killing us, we gotta raise your rates 30%.

 

By the way if you get a chance check out my new Cadillac and I am taking a hunting trip next week

 

@#$^$@#%$&^%#@!

[Brendan P]

quote:

---

Im sorry guys we cant give out raises this year, and were cutting back no more floating vacation,

health costs are killing us, we gotta raise your rates 30%.

---

God....For a minute there,I thought you worked at my place too.

[BernieT]

LOL

 

 

quote:

---

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two

weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

---

I think my boss told me this some time ago.....with a straight face....he was serious!!

[TREV]

quote:

-----------------------------------------------

Im sorry guys we cant give out raises this year, and were cutting back no more floating vacation,

health costs are killing us, we gotta raise your rates 30%

 

-----------------------------------------

btw corey used to work where i still do

 

kevin, very nice

 

trevor

[Thad]

quote:

---

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two

weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I think my boss told me this some time ago.....with a straight face....he was serious!!

---

My boss told me that if I ever leave, he'll have to get 2 people to replace me. He says it'll take 2 people to fu** off as much as I do.

 

Thad

[Jimmy Wakeford from Barefoot CNC]

How many of you guys are strictly programmers and how many are burdened down with management / supervisor duties?

 

To those managing have you read Dogbert's management book? It helps to put things in perspective.

Jimmy

[Brendan P]

quote:

---

How many of you guys are strictly programmers and how many are burdened down with management / supervisor duties?

---

Programming only....

No thanks to the management duties.

I had a babysitting job when I was 15 years old.

[kccadcam]

I do it all!!!

Programming (machining centers) and helping the other programmers (Lathe and Wire), tooling (ordering and building custom tools), helping the quote boys, troubleshooting, machine repair and maintenance, even running a machine every now and then! And finally, trying not to pull out what little hair I have left!!!!

[vach37]

Wow. I thought I was the only one who worked at a place like that.

[Müřlıń®]

Kevin I hear ya.....

 

I never intended to have to learn how to fix CNC's......but if I didn't know how to fix mine,

 

I would have to have a CNC repair man on the payroll............

 

Murlin

 

[ 07-14-2003, 11:16 PM: Message edited by: Murlin ]

[chris m]

Kevin +1 on your job duties (no wire, though)

 

To guys bitching about no raises in this economy I'll say the same thing that I say when my guys do it, "The door's in the same place it was when you came in; there are ten guys laid off right now that'll be more than happy to take your check"

 

C

 

[ 07-15-2003, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: chris m ]

[Noel]

+1 as well Kevin.

 

My boss told me last week that if I had to make out a resume listing my duties we would have to order more paper. Yet i still make less than most other trades.What other profession are you expected to be a process engeneer,fixture designer,computer engeneer,millright,toolmaker,machine opperator,plumber,electrician,baby sitter,etc etc. All for less than alot of the guys on the line at Ford or GM.I suppose it's a good thing I love what I do.As i'm sure is the case with most of the people in the forum.

 

 

Noel