O/T -a joke.

[Fig sign]

The GOD appears to the leaders of the world and announces that there will be the end of the world in three days.

So american president adress to the nation and says:

I have two news .

One is good and one is bad .

The good one -the GOD exists.

The bad one -there will be the end of the world in three days.

The Russian president says :

I have two news .

Both are bad .

The first-the GOD exists.

The second one -there will be the end of the world in three days.

Bill Gates speaks to the workers of Microsoft:

I have two news .

Both are good !

The first-the GOD exists.

The second one -there will be no need to correct bugs in Windows XP !

[Brendan O' Regan]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man

came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that

they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy

walked into the back room and said, "There is some F***er out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man

standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy

the other half."

 

The manager OK'd the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble

earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"

The boy replied, "Kerry, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Kerry?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just xxxxes and football players down there."

"My wife is from Kerry!!"

The boy replied, "Really? Who does she play for?"

[kccadcam]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.

 

"What are you doing?" she asked.

 

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

 

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

 

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

 

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

 

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

 

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

 

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

 

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

 

"Needs ironing," "What's for Dinner?"

 

[ 02-12-2003, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: Kevin Clark, Central Valley Machine ]

[Toolfab]

to Kevin!

 

I'm laughing like crazy, that was great!

[kccadcam]

One more.......

 

Dear Abby,

 

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next

month.

 

My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

 

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

 

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

 

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

 

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I

thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my

character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including

the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

[kccadcam]

Just can't help it!!!!

One more......

 

 

A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going

home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the

boys and spending his entire paycheck.

 

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was

confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for

nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally,

his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would

you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

 

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

 

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and

Wednesday came and went with the same results.

 

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he

could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[Mark Lovelace]

A man is walking along a river, looking for a place to cross, when he sees a blonde woman on the other side. So he calls over to her "How do I get to the other side?"

 

She calls back "You ARE on the other side!"

[Brian C.]

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you gotta like this 

 

A portion of N.P.R. interview between a female broadcaster

and US Marine Corp’s General Reinwald who was about to

sponsor a Boy Scout troop visiting his military base.

 

Female interviewer: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going

to teach these young boys when they visit your base ?

 

Gen. Reinwald: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing,

archery, and shooting.

 

Female interviewer: Shooting ! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it ?

 

Gen. Reinwald: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on

the rifle range.

 

Female interviewer: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous

activity to be teaching children ?

 

Gen. Reinwald: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle

discipline before they even touch a firearm.

 

Female interviewer: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

 

Gen. Reinwald: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re

not one, are you ?

 

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[cadcam]

Subject: Grandma

 

 

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already

drunk, sat down at the bar and

ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw 3 men sitting at

a

corner table. He got up,

staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in

the

face and said, "I went by your

grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man,

she is

fine!"

 

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were

confused, because he was a badass,

and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the

table

again and said,"I got it on with

your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

 

The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get

mad.

 

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you

something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

 

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said,

"Damn it grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

[kccadcam]

Still coming!!!

 

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

$10.00 a pill answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He

said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[PBpaul]

I saw that one earlier about golf that reminded me of this one.

 

This guy is about to tee off and his wife is sitting on a bench over a little to the side of the tee box, just watching. He hits his tee shot with a driver and catches it off the toe. It hits her in the side of the head and she keels over.

 

Later, at the hospital, the guy is pacing around waiting for any news as to her condition. A doctor finally comes out and says, "I'm sorry, but the head injury was so severe. There was nothing we could do and she just died."

 

The golfer said, "Well, it is certainly all my fault. She was just sitting there and my tee shot hit her really hard, right in the side of the head."

 

The doctor says, "Yes, that is almost certainly what killed her, but when we x-rayed her, we also found a golf ball lodged in her rectum."

 

The golfer says, "Yea, that was my Mulligan."

[Scott Bond]

Grampa comes to work complaining of the worst stiff neck he ever had in his life. When we asked him what he thought would cause it he said that a Viagra got caught in his throat.

[Mark Lovelace]

Golf Joke:

 

A man is out for a walk with his wife, who is lost in thought. After a while, she says to him "Honey, if I were to die, I just want you to know that I would want for you to get remarried."

 

He stops and says "Dear, don't talk about that! I could never do that!"

 

"No, really, Honey, I would want you to be happy. You would still have a lot of your life ahead of you, and I'd want you to share it with someone."

 

He thinks about this and says, "Okay, if that's what you want."

 

They walk on a ways, and she says, "And Honey, if that were to happen, I want you to know that it would be okay for her to wear my clothes and jewelery." He starts to interject, but she stops him; "I mean it, Honey, it's what I would want."

 

He thinks about this, then says "Okay."

 

After a while further, she says, "And Honey, if... y'know,... I would want for her to have my golf clubs, too."

 

He says, "Oh, no, Dear, I could never give her your golf clubs."

 

"Why not?"

 

"'Cause she's left handed."

[kccadcam]

Remember,

A bunch of amatures built the Ark,

but it took a bunch of experts to build the Titanic!!!!!!

 

[Guy Arseneault]

NEVER TICK A WOMAN OFF

 

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and

put his xxxx in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

 

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".

 

 

Guy

[Oppiz]

Monica Lewinski is taking a dress to the cleaners.

She tells the elderly gentleman behind the counter that she will be picking the dress up on Thursday. Being hard of hearing he says, "Come again" Monica replies, "No its horseradish"

[kccadcam]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

 

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

 

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago"

 

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymhomaniacs!

 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

 

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

 

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another

popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best

potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."

 

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you.

I don't even know your name."

 

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[EZ3PUTT]

Back to the Monica Lewinski one. Did you see that they finally identified the stain on her dress. It was determined to be presidu.

[kccadcam]

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?

What about those long and boring conference calls?

Here's a way to change all of that.

 

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your "Bull**it Bingo" card by drawing a square-- I find that 5" x 5" is a good size.

Divide the card into columns-- five across and five down......that will give you 25, 1" blocks.

 

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

 

synergy

strategic fit

core competency's

best practice

bottom line

revisit

take that off-line

24/7

out of the loop

benchmark

value-added

proactive

win-win

think outside the box

fast track

result-driven

empower (or empowerment)

knowledge base

at the end of the day

touch base

mindset

client focus(ed)

game plan

leverage

customer driven

 

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

 

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULL**IT!"

 

Testimonials from satisfied "Bull**it Bingo" players:

 

* "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when

I won." -Jack W., Boston

 

* "My attention span at meetings has improved

dramatically." -David D., Florida

 

* "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." --Bill R., New York City

 

* "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." --Ben G., Denver

 

* "The speaker was stunned as eight of us

screamed "BULL**IT!" for the third time in two hours." -

-Kathleen L., Atlanta

[Jody]

Sense half of us can not spell i thought i would share this email that i got today. for thos of you that can spell you may want to copy and paste it in to word and do a spell check tho i dont think it will be funny for you.

 

FYI -

 

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it

deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod

are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and

lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it

wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey

lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

 

Jody

[crazy^millman]

I am Back to the old nick.

 

A eldery couple are sitting at the breakfest table eating breakfest. The wife asked the husband is there anything you would like to do you have not done. He thinks about it ans says well I think I would like to donate to the sperm bank.

 

The couple goes in and tells the people at the clinic what they would like to do and they put them in a room to talk to the doctor. The doctor comes in and they tell him that they would like to do this and the doctor say that it would be great living long and having such engery is a great thing for people to choose from.

 

The nurse take the couple to a room and leaves them there and hears noise right a way. The nurse goes by a few times over the next 2 hours and hear all types of noises and grunts and groans. TRhe couple come out of the room and they sit back down in the docotor's offcie and the wife puts the bottle on his desk with a dolle over the jar.

 

Then the husband explains to the doctor I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right hand, i tired it on the table, I tried it on the chair, my wife tried it with her right hand, she tried it with her left hand, she tried it with her teeth in and teeth out.I am sorry Doctor but we could not get the lid of the JAR.

 

Crazy Millman

 

[ 09-18-2003, 01:06 AM: Message edited by: Millman^Crazy ]

[A-ron1286490684]

This guy comes home to find his girlfriend frantically packing her stuff up and removing all her belongings.

He says, “Hey whats going on here?”

She says, “I’m leaving you.”

He says, “Wait baby. We have it good, we get along great, we have a great love life, -why would you want to leave?”

She says, “Cause you’re a pedophile.”

He says, “Pedophile!?, Now that’s an awful big word for a twelve year old.”

 

These two guys are shootin' the breeze when one says, "Hey, remember when I went on that business trip the other day?"

His friend says "Yeah."

The first guy says, "Well when I went to the ticket counter to buy my tickets the gal there had a beautiful set of breasts and I accidentally asked her for two pickets to xxxx-burgh."

His buddy says, "That's funny, I had the same thing happen the other day at the breakfast table. I was trying to tell my wife to please pass the Toasted Oaties and accidentally said -You've ruined my life you evil witch!!"

[IZN]

I was driving down a deserted road the other night, right around dusk, when I saw a car stuck in the ditch beside the road. The owner of the vehicle flagged me down so I stopped.

She said she was adjusting her radio when she ran off the road and was wondering if I could pull her out of the ditch?

I had a chain in my truck so I said " Sure, But I've never pulled a pregnant woman out of a ditch before."

She said " I'M NOT PREGNANT ".

I said " You're not out of the ditch yet either."

[Ripper3785]

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone - don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" He replied "Wrong number ******* " and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.) After hanging up with her, I decided

to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an ******* !" and I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word '******* ' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

 

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ******* !" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '******* ' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar

with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ******* !"

 

So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW ******* , too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an ******* !"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two xxxx to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

 

So, I came up with an idea: I called ******* #1. "Hello?"

"You're an ******* !" (but I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you? " he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, ******* , a yellow house with my black BMW parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers. "

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ******* ."

Then I called ******* # 2: "Hello?" he said.

"Hello ******* ," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your xxxx," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, ******* , here's your chance! I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two *******s beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.

 

Now, I feel better...

 

Masquerading as a normal person, day after day, is exhausting....

 

[ 09-18-2003, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: Ripper3785 ]

[Müřlıń®]

Ripper....ROFLMAO....thats too dam funny man,

made my side hurt

 

 

Murlin